Rachel Rambles

[windinthemaples]

* Shaun left yesterday morning. It was spectacularly great to get to spend an entire week with him under our roof. Graeme gloms onto him like white on rice. (When prompted as to what his name is, Graeme says, "Unka Hooray!". Very cute as my little toddler is now obsessed with role calls. In a group, he'll point to each person and name them, including himself. *pointing* "Mama. Daddy. Baby. Unka Hooray!". It was priceless.

We spent a lot of time doing not much. This weekend, though, we went to the Museum of Science and Industry and had a glorious, indulgent vegan meal at Green Zebra. Mmm. I even went so far as to put photos of the courses up on my Flickr.

* I just sobbed my way through 17 Again. I'm a sucker for every movie they preview in the OnDemand listings. This one wasn't creepy in the least. It was great.

* I sawed into my thumb with a serrated knife a few days ago. I was saved from worse by my thumbnail. I don't know what happened. I've never cut myself with a knife. Owwie.

* In a little over a week, I'm leaving for Graeme and I's Alaskan cruise. I'm both excited and intimidated. It is a little more ambitious than I usually care to be as a solo parent. eep!

* Graeme's had a fever overnight. He sorta collapsed at the playground yesterday afternoon, laying down on the pavement and refusing to get up. It was scary. I got about four or five hours of sleep and spent at least that much nursing him. We're having a cereal and pajamas and Sesame Street kind of morning.

* Mystery School has been much on my mind this past week. Next year, they're doing the story of Persephone. What would your story be like if it was told by your mother?, Cynthea asked. Not coincidentally, I got into my first ever fight with my father two days ago and got to hear him unleash "17 years of grievances" against me. It was an hour-long tale where I played the part of the villain in every vignette. (Though Daniel got to be co-star in some as the man with a singleminded striving for acquiring material wealth at the expense of everyone and everything else.) It was astonishingly poisoned, like something bottled up for seventeen years and festering and finally unleashed in one great hour long diatribe.

So thank you River, for passing that Grove wisdom about Demeter telling Persephone's tale along. I thought, "Oh, so this is my life story as told by my father. How fascinating. This isn't my self-perception at all." I'm taking a few days to get over the sting of it, but I feel ultimately healthy and self-secure. A long conversation with my mom about my Dad's mental illness and how that skews his perceptions and that heart-security of hearing her say she loves me and that I've been a blessing to both her and Dad, no matter what he says to me now, helped me, too. I had friends chiming in and my brother and sister-in-law calling just to say they're sorry and that they love me. I know that I've made poor choices at times but I also know that my father's assumed motivations for me aren't true or fair. It stinks, though, to have him have such obvious scorn for me and to think, on a fundamental level, that I'm selfish and evil and irresponsible and uncaring. I have a good thing going, I have a beautiful family and I'm sorry my dad doesn't see it that way.

Comments

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

*sending so much love* To both you AND Graeme!!

This is kind of personal to put in an LJ comment, but my email is being all sorts of wonky today, and I wanted to make certain I was able to say this to you:

You are one of the most inspired, inspiring, compassionate and caring people I've ever been blessed to know. Having your friendship and sisterhood in my life has made it better by a million times a million, simply by your being there, and anyone who can't see the inherent goodness of your spirit is so incredibly blind. I feel sorry for your father...he reminds me very much of my mother, who has told me countless times how absolutely wonderful it would have been if she'd never had me at all...that by having me, I ruined her life completely. Which, I know in my heart, is all lies. I used to believe her, and I regret believing her so much. It fills my heart with so much happiness that you, never once for a moment, believed your father's lies.

I'm sending you so much love. You are so loved, so blessed, so cherished by your family, by Daniel, by the family you've created...your friends. You'll never know in all the ways that we love you. :) Seriously.

[neva-butterfly.livejournal.com]

Graeme is so adorable! I'm glad he's recovering.

If your father's mental illness is the focus of his own life, that makes him the focus--thus anything you do that isn't about him is a betrayal in his eyes. Just living a normal life, having your own family, etc, because it isn't focused on him, feels like betrayal to him... However, the usual focus is of the parent, focusing on the child, helping her along, and then celebrating when she can fly on her own. You aren't his parent, you were never meant to be, and all of your efforts to help him (giving him a place to live, visiting even when he wasn't able to really interact with you and ignored his grandson) have failed to bring him up out of his own self-imposed misery. Most people, normal people even (not particularly selfish ones) would have turned their backs on him years ago.

I wish you could throw this back on him, but I suppose he's not even capable of understanding.

Interesting about your story told from someone else's view, though a little frightening. I guess we all get to be the villian in someone's story. In your case you don't deserve it at all though.

[aerialmelodies.livejournal.com]

I think some parents get an idea in their head on who their child should be when they grow up, and it's often out of regret for things the parents did/did not do in their lifetimes. They can project these feeling on their child(ren) and it can bring up a lot of frustration. The thing is, few parents let their ideals cloud their support of their children. A parent might desire one child to become a successful doctor but the child becomes a journalist instead. When the child reaches adulthood, dialogue can take place and the parent can be assured that while their child is no doctor, they are every bit as happy and successful. I'm not saying that is what's going on here, but deep down I think your father does care about you. I don't know much about mental illnesses, but perhaps he's riding the fine line of his wishes versus supporting you, and in his delusional state, he can't see through his own wants. When you've both had time to cool down and think clearly, maybe you can show your father that you're everything he's always wanted in a daughter regardless of whether or not you grew up to fit into the mold he set aside for you. I've not been on your journal long, but I know all too well through mermaiden that you've got a beautiful, kind spirit that's just bursting with love. You're a wonderful mother and wife, a dedicated witch, a spiritual soul. You're not greedy, you're not rude, you're not brash, you're not overbearing. You show a heightened sense of knowledge of your surroundings and are very in tune with everyone around you. You are beautiful, and so is your family. Graeme looks to be one of the happiest babies I know, and based on your writings I can tell that you and D are in love and support one another as well as Graeme. No wrongs. No wrongs. <3

That is an interesting point, though. How would my family tell a story about me? We tell lots of stories about each other as we grew up, but what about the heart of the story? I'm pretty sure my family and I would share different ideas on a lot of pieces of my life and why they happened, but to what extent? Good question!

Do have a special time on your cruise, and I hope that Graeme becomes well before the trip! Don't let your dad get you down... I feel that your mom is right and that he's just not in the right state of mind to properly explain his side and open the pathway to a discussion of understanding why he did raise a beautiful, kind daughter. It's clear your family does love you, I just hope he can find a way to calm down and listen to your side. <3

[llewyn.livejournal.com]

How was 17 Again? Is that the movie with Matthew Perry and Zack Effron? I've secretly been wanting to see it. :]

[radshaun.livejournal.com]

You guys are my real family :)

[mrsbrewer.livejournal.com]

Wow. The only comparison I can imagine is if my dad were to tell me my life story when he was drunk. That has a lot to do with why he's not allowed to call me when he's drunk, actually.

I'm so sorry that you had to hear such hateful things from a person you really want to have pride in you. I'm glad that you are mustering your strength to have a more realistic perspective of yourself.

No matter what he says, there is no doubt that you are a very loved, respected, and admired person among your friends; and I count myself among them.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

It was very cute. The times when it was dumb, they were playing it tongue-in-cheek as if too acknowledge that it was dumb. But yeah, I enjoyed it more than I thought possible.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

I'm glad that my dad waited this long to really let me have it. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own, so I'm finally less dependent upon my Dad's opinion. It helps to have such great friends and family, to know that I'm not cast out into the world without his approval or care.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

Osrfofs forever!

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

Thank you. I feel very loved. :)

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I know that you, more than anyone, understand. There is a point where I have to acknowledge that this isn't fixable. My dad isn't going to change and, as my sister-in-law told me, he isn't even capable of apologizing. His perceptions are too skewed, too screwed up. I've spent a lot of years tiptoeing around him in the hopes that I could make him happy. I've gotten to the point, it seems, where I kinda want to abandon him to whatever fate he makes for himself.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

It is hard to know, since my dad has been sick my whole life, how much is pre-existing personality and how much is mental illness. I know that, as a trend, things have gotten worse the older he's gotten and that he won't get better. The dad of my childhood, who was more supportive and involved in our lives, can't return. It is almost like he has alzheimer's. He makes me uncomfortable and angry and disgusted, but I have to remember that this isn't him, or at least isn't entirely him, and that the dad of twenty years ago might have had different things to say than the sick, bitter old man now. :/ :)

He is incapable of change. I just have to get to a place, whatever it is, in our relationship where his passing won't leave me feeling unfinished.