Temple of the Twelve: Black Month Check-In

[windinthemaples]

This past weekend was the Full Moon, the half-way point of our Black Month. How has your work with Black been going? Are you unearthing secrets? Dark sides to your personality that you hide from everyone, including yourself? Have you begun honoring your talents by using them in the world?

In the book, Caroline arrives at her Full Moon with a crisis of faith. She hasn't even started her true self-portrait and she is certain it is a task she won't complete in time to move on to the next color. She feels unequal to the challenge she's been presented with. Under the Full Moon, she performs a ritual and is given something she needs--a teacher to help guide her efforts. It is only then, with the reassurance that Lady Black would provide all help necessary, and a newfound determination to do her best, that Caroline's work drawing herself as she truly is can begin.

How did the Full Moon's power change your relationship with Black, with the work, this month?

~~~*~~~

For those of you who signed up for the June/July token exchange, have you both sent and received a token package?

Mine waits for me on my altar and I know I have a lot of work to do to earn it! I hope to devote quite a bit of my free time this long weekend towards my portrait. One of the themes for the month for me has been the consequences of fear, of living with my eyes stubbornly closed so I don't have to risk seeing what's in the dark with me. It has manifested, in one way, as a medical phobia. I avoid the ounce of prevention, like seeing the doctor, because I'd rather not face what scares me (being not in control and some unknown life-changing diagnosis) and then down the road I have to pay for it with the huge, even scarier consequences of neglecting myself. It's like, I can spend $30 on an oil change every 3000 miles or I can wait and then kablow!! spend $2000+ on repairs. I can keep up with the dishes every day or I can wait and then wham!! I've got too much to manage and a sugar ant infestation to boot. What is it within me that invites the worse? Why do I continuously choose to ignore something until it reaches crisis stage? That theme is everywhere I look this month for me. I need to keep my eyes open and honestly look at what's around me, what's within me.

On the other side of the token, my talents, I had a tarot reading that addressed a lot about that. For me, the entire reading was about water and emotion *except* for the work of the month. That, it said, was the Ten of Swords. One of my talents is my logical ability to step back and see, dispassionately, the big picture. In order to use the rest of my talents as part of a meaningful, service-oriented life, I realize I must prune and trim both what I choose to utilize and how I spend my time. That's something that must be done intellectually and deliberately. So I will be doing a lot of thinking and list-writing about where all my time goes now, what my best talents are, and what few interests I should pursue in the future. I can't do it all. By not choosing, I'm just in idle, wasting both the days of my life and my Goddess-given talents, and I recognize that's not acceptable. I have been waiting for a Call, for Someone to make the hard decisions for me and that's being chicken. I must make decisions, narrow my focus deliberately, and get to work on my life's work. I must dictate what that life's work will be. So, yeah, I have a ton of work to do in the next two weeks and I, like Caroline, doubt my ability to honestly complete so much heavy-lifting and hard, scary soul-searching.

Comments

[lilith42.livejournal.com]

Not having begun my first month yet, I read the first chapter of both the book and experiential journal. I have to say that it will probably be the most difficult task for me, to work with Black, because whenever I look at myself I see my flaws. My darkness. I am a procrastinator, just like you, in that I will put things off until they seem insurmountable. I don't think I have ever been able to live up to my full potential at anything. Either through the machinations of others, or my own undoing, I seem to settle in the middle, content to do the minimum, knowing I could do a lot more. I don't make friends easily and feel out of place almost anywhere. I think I am a lazy, selfish moocher. Taking a hard look at yourself is very difficult. How do you push the negative out of the way to see the positive?

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I think willfully ignoring one's positive attributes is rooted in the same problem as willfully ignoring one's flaws. Both seem to be the work of Black, making the effort, being brave enough to look in the dark to see what is truly there and not just what you imagine (or fear) might be there.

For me, I have logical *and* emotional thinking. Emotional thinking tells me I'm fat and worthless. I can step away from that and say, "Okay, logically I know I'm not fat and worthless, I'm just in the habit of eating junky foods, not exercising, and as a result I'm carrying more weight than is normal or healthy for me." That doesn't erase the emotional me that hisses in my ear, but at least gives me a calm counterpoint to consider.

It sounds like your emotional mind is saying, "lazy, selfish moocher" among other things about you. If you step back, out of the emotional river, into that detached, logical place of observation--what do you actually see?

Whether you intended to or not, by reading the books and starting to think these Black, searching thoughts, it seems like you've already begun the work! :)

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

I think willfully ignoring one's positive attributes is rooted in the same problem as willfully ignoring one's flaws.

I really feel this. For me, that's what a lot of this month's work has been about. I have begun to be so much gentler with myself than demanding everything constantly. You know how we talked about the whole "we wouldn't treat our worst enemies" the way we do ourselves? Yeah. That, for me. :)

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I find this so interesting.

(*waves to Kristina whose thread we are hijacking*)

Your public face is so flawless and light-filled and confidently bold, I would *never* have imagined you had any issues with self-esteem or self-hate or self-criticism.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

If you see only/mostly negatives but project only positives, what does that mean? How does that work out for you? How do you act so differently from what you feel inside? :)

Tell me more! :)

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

I see the beautiful in absolutely everyone. I have to be incredibly hard pressed to find anyone's flaws, because my default knowledge is that everyone is part of the divine, and that I love them (I've gotten better about boundaries over the years. In the beginning, I didn't have them and got righteously screwed. A lot.).

I sometimes see that in myself, but rarely. I hold myself to a set of standards in writing, in helping, in x, y or z that absolutely no one could measure up to. I don't do x, y or z good enough. It's always about the "good enough" or the "enough" with me, which is impossible to attain, and these are the things that I've been holding close this month. Being able to be enough. :)

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

I don't act differently from how I feel, honestly. I'm an incredibly honest person, and I convey that in how I speak, in how I move in the world. If I'm feeling like shit about my writing, I share that. If I'm feeling I'm not beautiful, I try to dive past that. If I'm feeling that I don't make a difference...well, I try harder. That's where I get to the spots where I'm so completely burned out, because I've pushed myself beyond the bounds that anyone should. It's that honesty and vulnerability that often hurts and sears. But the Goddess has given me the gift of having people in my life who don't tear me down anymore, but build me up. If they love something about me, maybe there's something to love. :)

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

I'd forgotten that the book said to wait until the new moon for the token, but that acknowledgment that I had done what I needed to do in order to earn it was palpable, and I'm glad it ended up happening that way. :) Dealing with my own inner pains and growing into something completely different has been this incredible journey, culminating from what I've learned so much this past year. The feelings of unworthiness, of deep pain, are almost completely gone, and I feel like I am a butterfly broken free from the chrysalis of that evolution. It has been powerful, heady stuff, but I feel completely calm, at peace and centered. I have changed completely, with the culmination of Black. It's kind of amazing, that taking on the mantel of Priestess, what exactly you become. :)

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

As to what you have been going through? I just love you so much, and you inspire me in so many ways. Thou art Goddess. <333333

[mermaiden.livejournal.com]

How do you push the negative out of the way to see the positive?

Hi! I think we met in Florida last year--I'm Sarah. :) I really feel you on this one part, and I felt compelled to say something. I see the divine in every single person...so maybe if you do that already, if you can turn that feeling inward? Realizing that you are integral and connected to everything light as well as dark is incredibly powerful, and helps me remember my own divine roots. :)

[lilith42.livejournal.com]

Hijack away!

Re: seeing the beauty in everyone

I think my biggest problem is that I see the flaws in humanity, more than the goodness. People in general irritate and annoy me usually because I can see through a lot of people's BS. If you start talking to me and all I hear are grandiose tales of your awesomeness, I know that deep down, you probably loathe yourself like everyone else. I think it is the lack of honesty (and common sense) that causes me to isolate. This shows in the number of people I can actually call 'friend'. Besides Russell, the only 'friend' I have close by is my cousin and even she has said in the past that had we not been family, we probably would never have hung out at all. I have had to many people just disappear from my life that I just don't want to get close to people. These are things I have realized before; my abandonment issues, my lack of patience with what I deem 'stupid people', my general disdain for people in general...they have created this image that people see of me. Dark, icy, bitch queen. And while I can see why they see that, I wish they could also see, or rather, I wish I could project a more inviting image. I want friends. I want a social life. I just don't want to get hurt, or frustrated in the process. Thus the cycle continues.

I do try to look at myself from a logical standpoint sometimes, but I guess my emotional side is usually louder. "Why even try? Your only going to fail" I guess that will be my project for myself...to gag my emotional side for a while.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

You have an inspiring level of positivity and Goddess-Warrior confidence and joy and sparkles, a contagious level, so I'm just saying, in light of that Light, it is almost shocking to hear that you battle demons of self-doubt or moments of entirely-too-hard-on-yourselfness. I think it is hard enough maintaining one's healthy sense of self in the barrage of arrows, the messages we get from society and advertising and cruel people, let alone when your inner voice sometimes joins in the criticisms.

Would you say, then, that's your 'secret'--the power of loving people around you? Or being selective in who you surround yourself with? Is there more? :)

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

What do you foresee the next two weeks holding for you? Are you still working with Black? Are you going to rest and recoup for next moon's color? Have you moved on to the next color? :) Where do you, little butterfly, flit to now? :)

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I think we're all divinely beautiful and also all a little broken. Everyone has a shadow side, I think, and sometimes we try to compensate for them by covering them up with stuff like the bragging, tale-telling BS you've seen people do. Some people laugh when really all they want to do is cry. Some people push others away when they most need to be close. Those flaws, those scars and cracks and little fragile bits, I think are just part of life.

Instead of seeing it as humanity's flaws, what if you saw it as each individual's wounds? What would happen if, instead of shutting down because you can spot the truth behind the false front, you embraced that person in their light and dark, whole and damaged self. Could then someone see and hug the whole of you--the parts you know are lovable and the parts you fear aren't?

That's for you to figure out, but I know firsthand how many amazing qualities you have that you haven't given yourself credit for. :) Take the time to find them and maybe you'll begin to see how other flawed people (aka "everyone alive") have gorgeous, good sides, too.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I, too, need to learn to be enough and have that be...well...enough.

[lilith42.livejournal.com]

I remember you :)

Thank you for giving me more to think about. I do try to see the big picture in terms of the Divine, but then I just get swallowed up by my own screaming brain.

So, when the new moon comes, I will have a lot more to delve through and hopefully I come out the other side with a better understanding of who I am and where I stand in this world.

[lilith42.livejournal.com]

This really helped. Thank you for being you.

[moonvoice.livejournal.com]

I feel like I've been working with the black (at least as it's been indicated here) all my life. More than any other colour.

Maybe that's why I use so much colour in my artwork; but it's always grounded with an inkwork of solid, waterfast black beneath it. It's the (absence of) colour I walk in; I think...

[elfinecstasy.livejournal.com]

Can I just say that this work you all are doing has me in tears. I am more moved than I can express.

Lilith - the reason many people dislike Lady Black is that she sees through alot of people's BS also. That's what she's known for, among the Twelve. Just like you, she takes no nonsense. She is often portrayed by people as cold, icy, scary, unwelcoming, even evil. There is a reason why the battle between Good and Evil is so often portrayed as the battle between Light and Dark - it's because people fear the Dark. Lady Black is one who rips lies and illusions apart, and it's not always pleasant.

The thing is - she uses this ability to see into the Dark and the Shadows, to the Truth, for Love. She uses it as a tool for people to use when they want to grow. She uses it only when they are ready. forcing it on no one. She uses it never for revenge, bitterness, or hatred, she uses it because she is creating positive change. She doesn't just rip things apart because she's bitchy - *nor do you :-) *

I think alot of women who are Priestesses of Black have faced similar problems - of being thought cold.

And Caroline in the book - who wasn't any kind of Black Priestess - had alot of trouble with this task. She had trouble accepting her beauty, she had trouble really seeing herself for what she is. Doing her self-portrait was tough for her - and it's been tough for several people I know who did this task.
You are not alone. Alot of people have told me the self-portrait was really really tough for them.

I hope Lady Black shows you just how special you really are, in a strong and unforgettable way this month. :-)

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

Thank you for adding to the discussion. It isn't often that a book group gets help from the author herself. It is quite a blessing! :)

I'm glad, too, that you're getting a chance to see some of the ripples your work has made in the world. :) <3

[rubymulligan.livejournal.com]

Before the Full Moon ritual, my journey with Lady Black was led by *me*, by what *I* thought I wanted to figure out about myself this month. I don't know what I thought I knew, but I was sure that I had it under control. I assumed that it would be as simple as getting to know myself better, lifting up the layers and seeing what lies underneath, throwing open with abandon the thick, velvet curtains on the windows of my self and letting the light hit every shadowed corner. During the ritual, specifically the exercise with the candle, I kind of just... let go. I admitted then and there that I had no idea what I should be doing. I just went with it. I walked off with my candle and opened my mind and my heart to the quietest whisper. I didn't hear anything. "You're not listening." was the response. Just then my candle flickered and I noticed for the first time my shadow, my constant companion on that near-total-dark walk. Just the fact that my shadow was visible to me in the dead of night was a shock to my eyes, but the realization that my darkness is always with me, my light is always with me, was comforting and thought-provoking. This tiny flame reminded me that where there is light, there is darkness, and vice versa. One is always with the other, and where one is greater, the other is less, you just have to find the perfect balance for your own life, in each situation. Now my work is balancing the two. I needn't bare my entire history, my every inkling of a thought or feeling, on the table for every passing stranger. That isn't truth. I tend to dam up my thoughts and feelings, only letting a trickling come out, but some have witnessed, very recently, what happens when the dam breaks. It's overflowing and overwhelming. And yes, it felt so good to let it all out and let it go. I hadn't really realized what I'd been holding in and what a toll it took on me to hold it. I also need to work on my darknesses, that if my friends know (I'm pretty sure they have an idea...) that I'm not always nice, sweet, thoughtful, selfless... I want the people who think they know me best to truly know me, to know all me, my cracks and creases and dusty, dark corners... then maybe they can help me to mend *me*, clean me up, make me shine. I want people to like me, but I always put all of my good qualities to the front, then spend the rest of my energy trying to live up to that ideal. I'm not being fake, I'm still being myself, but just not my whole self. None of us are perfect. We all have our bad qualities, our imperfections. It's what makes us human. I just have to be the whole *me* and if someone doesn't like me anymore, then maybe it's because they only liked my shiny, candy coating and not the nut on the inside. (Thank you to SARAH for reminding me that I miss peanut M&Ms, damn you.) ;)

(Leave it to me to make jokes, right?)

[rubymulligan.livejournal.com]

And yes, I received my token and gave a token! So, I think I'm all clear. My token is sitting, wrapped and waiting, on my altar to Lady Black, ready for me to finish my work.

Can I just say that having so much swap history under my belt, it was near impossible to not give more than one thing, to not include a note explaining every little nuance, to not make a whole fabulous box of themed items to squee over, to remove myself from the gift-giving 100%. I also had the opportunity to pass along the token without mailing it, which to me, helped with the removal of *me* from the act. Also, just as an aside, before I even knew who I would get, I was thinking of what awesome so-and-so I could do/make/buy/get and drummed up a million ideas, I even had a specific gift in mind after the fact, but then *SMACK*, alas, it ended up being something entirely different, something not of my choosing. It felt pretty good to just be the one waiting for another to point it out, "There. That. That is it." It has made it easier for me to recognize how it feels, for future months' token passing.

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I was struck, reading this, that when we reveal our true selves (nut and all) to someone, it isn't burdening them with some flawed friendship material and hoping they'll still like us enough not to leave. It seems like when we're completely authentic, to the core, that we're giving someone else the chance to also be authentic (and thereby vulnerable) with us in turn. Like, I can trust someone who is visibly flawed because I know that I'm not just befriending a false front, a sort of con artist friendship. Does that make sense? I just know that for me, I can be more myself around people who are themselves and it is real and heart-deep in a way that a lot of superficial acquaintances/friendships aren't.

Everything I've ever learned about you has made me love you more. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

[sugarmaplelife.livejournal.com]

I had trouble separating the token from my own personal desire to shine, be recognized, and go over-the-top in generous gift-giftiness. When I found the token, I knew it was right and I just had to wrestle the desire to add to it with other extravagances, to just let it be what it was. I wonder if that'll get easier as the months go on? Either way, I think I learned something about Black in trusting her to pick out her own token.