Pink Moon (Part Four): The Wound of Embarrassment

[windinthemaples]

My second wound is simple and yet profoundly limits my life. I do not want to look foolish and so I avoid trying things that I think I won't be good at or that I don't already know how to do. I allow myself no time for beginner's mistakes and learning curves. I, too often, choose not to take the risk because embarrassment and the potential for ridicule looms larger in my head than any potential benefits. That is no way to live. That's that squirrely intruder again, making past embarrassments seem monumental and potential future embarrassing moments even worse!

In the past, this afraid-to-look-ridiculous has kept me from:

-auditioning for solos, despite having a very good voice
-dancing where anyone could see me, outside of those show choir group performances
-playing table games at a casino with a real, live dealer
-teaching classes
-playing sports
-attempting art
-yoga
-going to the gym
-aerobics/fitness classes
-celebrating my birthday
-cultivating friendships; inviting people I don't know well to get together
-wearing skirts or other pretty and/or impractical clothing
-interviewing for better than minimum wage jobs
-inviting people into my home
-cooking for an audience
-answering the phone
-parading around naked
-wearing shorts that show off my uncommonly pale legs
-wearing sandals
-doing my hair or makeup
-going someone I might get lost
-parallel parking
-learning to drive a manual transmission car
-changing a tire/adding air to a tire
-practicing my foreign language skills in the hearing of others
-admit, where I fear strong debate or backlash, being a witch
-go to the spa
-go swimming
-(I'm going to come back, edit, and add more to the list as I think of any).

My inhibitions would love for me to sidestep this issue entirely, but I know that I have some unearthed talents in all these things I've never attempted. Just imagine, I finally learned at age 31 how to hula hoop! It was fun and I might have looked laughable but who cares? (Okay, I care.) But if I get over the wound of insensitive people from my past making fun of me and tormenting me, then maybe it would start to not matter if people giggle when I don't quite get it right the first time. Maybe. I need to start doing things that feel emotionally risky to me. It is the only way to put those demons of self-doubt to rest. What's the worst that can happen, realistically?

Comments

[moonvoice.livejournal.com]

Reading this is like reading posts made by another part of my brain, I swear. This is one of my hugest issues, it stopped me going back to university despite being assured I pretty much had a job. It stopped me from teaching meditation and totem animal groups. Swimming. Singing where anyone can hear me, despite being able to sing.

It's crippling. I mean just... crippling.

And yet so hard to fully and freely overcome. I wish I knew what to suggest, but I've been struggling with this one all my life, myself. The only place I don't seem to have it...is my art. I think I hit a point where it was like, 'I don't care what you think, I have to do art, the gods aren't giving me a choice, to suck it.' Which isn't very nice but... I had to do it for my soul, which meant it didn't matter if it was bad or good, it had to be done. And eventually, that sort of inured me to criticism, or my Mum saying things like 'erk!' when she saw a new piece.

Now to translate that into the rest of my life!

[willow-cabin.livejournal.com]

This is one of my major issues, as well, and it seems insurmountable to me. Thank you for sharing your experiences; that makes me feel not so alone. *hugs*

[cloverdew.livejournal.com]

♥ *hugs* Looking foolish usually leads to laughter, which leads to friendships. Although I fear looking foolish sometimes, myself, I'm more afraid of failure than embarrassment. I've been kept from many of those things from fear of not being able to complete it, giving up too easily or getting so frustrated or discouraged that I cry in public which leads to extreme embarrassment. I tend to give up on things easily when I can't do them because I tend to learn most things so quickly and because I'm smart and have ADD, if I'm not being challenged at the right pace (if it's too hard or too easy), I give up and move on to the next thing. :/

Also, thank you, Rachel, for being so honest and sharing and giving in this space - you are helping me examine my own issues with the colors and I'm so grateful for your teachings. I'm learning a lot about myself through you and I feel very blessed.

[raynemaiden.livejournal.com]

[azhure.livejournal.com]

*nods*

*nods*

*nods some more*

I do exactly the same - avoiding so many things because I'm afraid of looking stupid.

I have a feeling I'm going to have a hell of a month when I start working with pink.

[costumenut.livejournal.com]

For the record, you kicked butt with the hoola hoop.

This month sounds very similar to work I did with "The Artist's Way" while in grad school, which allowed me to finally accept myself as an artist. Prior to doing that work, I felt like I was pretending, that I didn't have anything of worth in my drawings, paintings, writings, designs, that I was just trying to be clever and fool everyone. The worst thought I had was that I hadn't SUFFERED enough as a child or young adult to be a valid artist.

I find myself now repeating some of these thoughts, albeit more quietly, since attempting "fine" art instead of theatrical design. I'm suddenly a beginner again, and I'm questioning my worth, and my fear of failure is much higher since we are so financially responsible for doing these art shows and cons. Reading this and your squirrel voice post reminded me of the work I've done before and need to keep in mind for the future. Thank you.