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windinthemaples"If you like the idea of latching on to synchronicity, perhaps it's time to make a formal declaration to yourself and the universe that this is what you want. It's amazing what can happen when we simply declare ourselves in the game."
~from Elaine St. James' Inner Simplicity: 100 Ways to Regain Peace and Nourish Your Soul
Between December 6th and December 18th, I was able to collect and/or purchase 121 pajamas to donate to my local chapter of The Pajama Program along with 35 books and some funds to buy even more. I was sailing on top of the world, freshly enamored with the sheer goodness of humanity, the generosity and love of my friends, feeling like I would be content to die in those moments--completely content with my work in life.
I was well on my way to breezing my way to my personal goal of collecting 500 pajamas by March 7th. Then, with a gut-dropping chill, I read a form letter from PayPal. They noticed I'd been taking donations from my journal and wanted proof that I was a representative of Pajama Program.
Two weeks of emails and phone calls dragged out before they got the point that I was not, had never been, and was not claiming to be on the board of the charity. I'd used a button from the site that said, "Donate", not intending to claim to be a non-profit but just because it made more sense than the one that said, "Buy Now". My mistake. I offered to refund all monies ($104) that were sent to me using those damned "Donate" buttons and waited for the compliance department to finish their review of my blog entries and my account history.
They requested a letter from Pajama Program giving me carte blanche to fundraise under their name. I doubted, very much, that any charity would do such a thing, but I emailed the organization to tell them about my troubles and ask for their help and/or input. It felt painful to suddenly be the subject of suspicion among some of my personal heroes--women who spend their days handing out warm pajamas, bedtime books, and comforting hugs to children in need. Now, I had to explain myself!
More weeks passed as I sent Pajama Program requested copies of every email between PayPal and myself, a copy of every journal entry I've ever written mentioning their name, and complete financial records of my PayPal transactions. I gave them everything I had and waited. They weren't able to speak to PayPal about my situation, due to security issues, so things were left at loose ends.
One last email to PayPal, asking them to reconsider and offer me a way, any way, to restore my account. Again, a slightly modified form letter saying that no, regardless if using the "donate" button was a mistake and regardless if I was willing to refund all the money I received, if I didn't produce that letter from the charity, my account would be limited (i.e. unusable) forevermore.
Waiting, in limbo, for a resolution drained away my momentum. Being put under the hot lamps, suspected of masquerading as a charity organization that I'm only an individual contributor to, replaced my joy with tears. I'd gotten to a point of stagnation where it wasn't fun anymore. Worse than that, I was sorry I'd ever started on this ambitious path. It hadn't gotten me anything but grief, right? I've been hunkered down ever since feeling sick and stymied and shamed.
Reading that quote about synchronicity, though, makes me reevaluate my situation. If I'm brave enough to say, "I'm in the game!", will the Universe provide a way? I have to say, "I'm willing to try." Yes, I can't use PayPal for my fundraising efforts the way I'd hoped, but I can open myself to the possibility that more pajamas are circling and that I'll find a way to contribute if I declare myself. I'm here. I'm not beaten yet. I may not meet my goal and I might not have things happen the way I'd planned, but I'm still going to try.
Since then, a handful of truly amazing events have tried to prod me out of my discouragement.
Signs Not To Give Up--Incredible Blessings
1.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
beestungkisses mailed me a $20 bill as a contribution, quite out of the blue. I was able to buy five pairs of pajamas with that--two sets in adult sizes for teenagers and three infant footies types. It was the first day in weeks that my pajama tally ticked upward. It was like magick in the mail...a hug of encouragement.
2.mrsbrewer announced on Facebook that she was hosting a Goodnight Moon-themed party for her daughter's second birthday. In lieu of gifts, she was requesting guests bring pajamas to donate to the Pajama Program. I still am feeling speechless about her offer to send them to me. Lorna, collecting them is gift enough to me. There's no need to send them to me if you have a local chapter of the organization there to give them to. (But I'd love photos and to hear how you did!) Seriously, no gesture could have jolted me out of my woe-is-me inaction more than yours.
3. I opened some of my junk mail, on a whim, and discovered $10 in coupons to Toys R Us. Hellooo, pajamas!
4. My Mom called to remind me that she's been adding to "her pajama pile" to send me as a late Yule gift/contribution to my donation. On top of that, now that I'm renting her vacated condo for the winter, she's given me permission to turn all the change I find laying around into money to buy pajamas. It is a lot like a treasure hunt--so far I probably have $15 or so!
5. My husband's firm (he, his partner, and their COO, really) has reaffirmed its intentions to make the Pajama Program one of two charities they support during the year. This could translate into thousands of dollars in contributions a year--all because I was brave enough to ask!
Were these (huge) blessings all there for me to see if I hadn't gotten bogged down in worry and trying to fix something that wasn't really fixable? Of course. I wasn't in the game anymore. I'd closed myself to good things because the path veered from where I'd imagined it'd be.
But here I am to say, belatedly, "Thank you" and "I'll honor your generosity and support by not giving up!".
Another little excerpt from Elaine St. James' book:
"Very possibly it's a little-known law of nature: the more gratitude you have, the more you have to be grateful for."
I'm back to business, opening up to possibilities, and allowing myself to see what I have and not what I don't.
Also, tonight, I'm going shopping for jammies! :)
~from Elaine St. James' Inner Simplicity: 100 Ways to Regain Peace and Nourish Your Soul
Between December 6th and December 18th, I was able to collect and/or purchase 121 pajamas to donate to my local chapter of The Pajama Program along with 35 books and some funds to buy even more. I was sailing on top of the world, freshly enamored with the sheer goodness of humanity, the generosity and love of my friends, feeling like I would be content to die in those moments--completely content with my work in life.
I was well on my way to breezing my way to my personal goal of collecting 500 pajamas by March 7th. Then, with a gut-dropping chill, I read a form letter from PayPal. They noticed I'd been taking donations from my journal and wanted proof that I was a representative of Pajama Program.
Two weeks of emails and phone calls dragged out before they got the point that I was not, had never been, and was not claiming to be on the board of the charity. I'd used a button from the site that said, "Donate", not intending to claim to be a non-profit but just because it made more sense than the one that said, "Buy Now". My mistake. I offered to refund all monies ($104) that were sent to me using those damned "Donate" buttons and waited for the compliance department to finish their review of my blog entries and my account history.
They requested a letter from Pajama Program giving me carte blanche to fundraise under their name. I doubted, very much, that any charity would do such a thing, but I emailed the organization to tell them about my troubles and ask for their help and/or input. It felt painful to suddenly be the subject of suspicion among some of my personal heroes--women who spend their days handing out warm pajamas, bedtime books, and comforting hugs to children in need. Now, I had to explain myself!
More weeks passed as I sent Pajama Program requested copies of every email between PayPal and myself, a copy of every journal entry I've ever written mentioning their name, and complete financial records of my PayPal transactions. I gave them everything I had and waited. They weren't able to speak to PayPal about my situation, due to security issues, so things were left at loose ends.
One last email to PayPal, asking them to reconsider and offer me a way, any way, to restore my account. Again, a slightly modified form letter saying that no, regardless if using the "donate" button was a mistake and regardless if I was willing to refund all the money I received, if I didn't produce that letter from the charity, my account would be limited (i.e. unusable) forevermore.
Waiting, in limbo, for a resolution drained away my momentum. Being put under the hot lamps, suspected of masquerading as a charity organization that I'm only an individual contributor to, replaced my joy with tears. I'd gotten to a point of stagnation where it wasn't fun anymore. Worse than that, I was sorry I'd ever started on this ambitious path. It hadn't gotten me anything but grief, right? I've been hunkered down ever since feeling sick and stymied and shamed.
Reading that quote about synchronicity, though, makes me reevaluate my situation. If I'm brave enough to say, "I'm in the game!", will the Universe provide a way? I have to say, "I'm willing to try." Yes, I can't use PayPal for my fundraising efforts the way I'd hoped, but I can open myself to the possibility that more pajamas are circling and that I'll find a way to contribute if I declare myself. I'm here. I'm not beaten yet. I may not meet my goal and I might not have things happen the way I'd planned, but I'm still going to try.
Since then, a handful of truly amazing events have tried to prod me out of my discouragement.
Signs Not To Give Up--Incredible Blessings
1.
beestungkisses mailed me a $20 bill as a contribution, quite out of the blue. I was able to buy five pairs of pajamas with that--two sets in adult sizes for teenagers and three infant footies types. It was the first day in weeks that my pajama tally ticked upward. It was like magick in the mail...a hug of encouragement.2.
mrsbrewer announced on Facebook that she was hosting a Goodnight Moon-themed party for her daughter's second birthday. In lieu of gifts, she was requesting guests bring pajamas to donate to the Pajama Program. I still am feeling speechless about her offer to send them to me. Lorna, collecting them is gift enough to me. There's no need to send them to me if you have a local chapter of the organization there to give them to. (But I'd love photos and to hear how you did!) Seriously, no gesture could have jolted me out of my woe-is-me inaction more than yours.3. I opened some of my junk mail, on a whim, and discovered $10 in coupons to Toys R Us. Hellooo, pajamas!
4. My Mom called to remind me that she's been adding to "her pajama pile" to send me as a late Yule gift/contribution to my donation. On top of that, now that I'm renting her vacated condo for the winter, she's given me permission to turn all the change I find laying around into money to buy pajamas. It is a lot like a treasure hunt--so far I probably have $15 or so!
5. My husband's firm (he, his partner, and their COO, really) has reaffirmed its intentions to make the Pajama Program one of two charities they support during the year. This could translate into thousands of dollars in contributions a year--all because I was brave enough to ask!
Were these (huge) blessings all there for me to see if I hadn't gotten bogged down in worry and trying to fix something that wasn't really fixable? Of course. I wasn't in the game anymore. I'd closed myself to good things because the path veered from where I'd imagined it'd be.
But here I am to say, belatedly, "Thank you" and "I'll honor your generosity and support by not giving up!".
Another little excerpt from Elaine St. James' book:
"Very possibly it's a little-known law of nature: the more gratitude you have, the more you have to be grateful for."
I'm back to business, opening up to possibilities, and allowing myself to see what I have and not what I don't.
Also, tonight, I'm going shopping for jammies! :)
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no subject
Date: 2010-01-13 08:47 pm (UTC)*so, so, so much love* You're a shining star, always giving, so full of love that I don't know where it could possibly come from, and I just wanted to tell you that. Seriously. From my heart.
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Date: 2010-01-14 02:04 am (UTC)I'm feeling a lot better tonight after doing some clearance rack shopping at Toys R Us. Twenty-four pajamas worth! :D It is almost as satisfying as saying "PayPal can suck it!". Almost.